Changes

After much discussion, research and several pros and cons lists, I set up an appointment with a new clinic with a Dr with a really good reputation.  This was a big deal and really scary as we really like our current clinic and dr but we wonder if a new set of eyes and also this new clinic is cheaper which makes it easier for us to do more cycles if we need to.

I was so nervous, I went to the appointment by myself and was so overwhelmed.  He was so confident that he can get us pregnant and he gave me two options, do surgery first to check my endometrosis or do one or two transfers and if I'm not pregnant then we will do the surgery.  And to make this even better is that he wanted to do the surgery at no gap, this was a big deal. As scared as I was to do the surgery again, I'm also more scared that my endometrosis had come back.  We decided to go ahead with the surgery which was two days ago now and I'm so glad we did.  He found a lot of adhesions on the left hand side from where they took my tube last time and on my bowel, he removed endometriosis from the top of my vagina and my right tube was not open.  I have my post op appointment next Wednesday and I will find out more about my right tube.  I really hope he was able to open it.  But really at the end of the day we know we have to do more IVF so I'm ready to jump straight into it.  I'm feeling excited and hopeful that our baby is coming.

Just a catch up

So it's been awhile since my last post.  We have been to hell and back that's for sure.  After the miscarriage we took a break obviously due to the nature of it all and then did an IUI in January.  My ovaries did really well, I started on 125iu of Puregon and then half way through increased it to 150iu.  I had three really good follicles growing and then my next scan showed two more which were smaller so to avoid a cancelled cycle we triggered and went ahead with the three good ones.  Unfortunately it was a BFN.  

During these scans though our dr noticed an unusual thickening on one part of my lining.  We decided to look into this further just in case it was a polyp and we did a hysteroscopy.  Everything went well and there was nothing there to remove.

We decided not to bother with anymore IUI's and go straight back into IVF.  The baseline scan went well, I had 9 antral follicles which is more than normal.  We started injections and progress scans were going well.  We ended up with 9 follicles before trigger which was great considering all those cancelled cycles last year.  We got 6 eggs at retrieval which I wasn't really happy with.  5 were mature and 4 fertilised.  I was not feeling great about this.  3 made it to day 3 and we decided to go ahead with PGD.  Out of the three only one tested normal.  I was shattered, I felt so much pressure on me at that time for this to work.  I almost didn't want to do the transfer.  

Two week wait began and as always the first week goes ok and then the second I just can't stop thinking about every twinge and feeling.  I was convinced it had worked as I felt nauseated and exhausted. 

Well that was all in my head as it ended in a BFN.

We were devastated, this was meant to work, it was a viable embryo, I was on Clexane and prednisone so in my head this was it!

This was the hardest failed cycle I had to get through.  I thought I was strong but the emptiness I felt was unbelievable.

It's over...

And just like that it's all taken away from us!  The third beta dropped to 160 something so the bleeding is definitely a miscarriage.  I'm devasted!  I hate that just in the space of a week I went from being extremely happy, shocked, thankful, blessed and then fear and then relief and hope and then envisaging a nursery and never having to do IVF or any medical intervention again to the worst pain EVER!! I know I will pick myself up soon but right now I just can't see ahead at all.  In the blink of an eye our happiness just got taken away from us.  That what infertility looks like.

Out of difficulties grow miracles!

If I didn't believe in miracles before I certainly do now...

Thursday 13th November I went into my clinic for my routine check up scan and blood tests before starting injections on the weekend for IVF number 3 take 3.  Mum came for a drive with me and I had an acupuncture appointment straight after.  Driving back home and my phone rang and it was my clinic, I let it go to voicemail and I said to mum that the blood results must be in already and there must be a problem with me to be able to start (they never call unless there is an issue).  I then joked "unless I'm pregnant!"  Mum automatically said I should pull over and call back.  My nurse came on the phone and she said "are you sitting down" and my heart was racing!  She then said "you're pregnant" and I just cried straight away saying "are you freaking kidding me?"  I couldn't believe it, I was shaking and trying to get my head around this news!  I just can't believe that a cancelled cycle and a trigger shot to release the two eggs that were growing resulted in us conceiving naturally!  The HCG level was 161!  I rang C straight away and he was happy but in complete shock.  

I took a test the next morning and saw for myself the words "pregnant" come up on the test!  I took another test Sunday morning as I wanted a keepsake and the digital doesn't last.  The line appeared as soon as the fluid started flowing across the window and it was so very dark!  By that afternoon though I started bleeding and I was petrified, I went to the clinic the next morning for another blood test and the level had increased to 596, doubled perfectly!! Such a relief.  The bleeding has slowed a little today (Tuesday) and I go back tomorrow for another blood test! Please Lord continue to watch over this baby and allow him/her to keep growing big and strong! 🙏

You have got to be kidding me...

After our first attempt at IVF number 3 was cancelled we proceeded to push on with another attempt.  I tried a new FSH injection, Menopur, had my day 6 check up and there was only two okay sized follicles.  Wtf?! Are you kidding me?  Dr said it doesn't look good and that we will continue and check again on day 8.  Day 8 came and still not much better so take 2 has been cancelled.  I'm just so upset and angry and it's really hard to stay hopeful.  Now the thought process carries on, is my body at the end of its road?  Should we take a short break? Or do we jump straight back in?  What makes it so hard is with the PGD it has to be scheduled in on a certain day, pick up has to occur on the day we book and my body has to be ready to start injections on a certain day!  Too much demand and stress.  We have decided to try again and will book pick up for 28th November.  I just hope and pray my body decides to respond this time around.  I'm not ready to give up on the idea of having my "own" child 🙏

Change of plans

IVF number 3 is no longer a go.  The scan at day 10 showed only one decent sized follicle so it got changed to an IUI instead.  I took a trigger shot that night and we had the procedure two days later.  Unfortunately, I only got to 11 days past and got my period.  We were both devastated as we were feeling very hopeful.

So IVF number 3 is back under way take two!  I started the BCP two days ago and will start injections in just over two weeks.  I'm anxious but I need to stay calm and leave it with God.

IVF number 3 is a go...

So I have survived my three months of torture, oh I mean hormone treatment.  The last six weeks of it I hardly slept because of night sweats and insomnia.  I keep telling myself it will be worth it.  

I am now day 5 of stims and going well.  I was so nervous about doing the needles again and I still get anxious before each one.  I'm starting to bloat and feeling a few twinges in my ovaries.  I have my first scan in two days so hopefully there is good growth.  

I know I'm doing everything I possibly can but I'm terrified still.  I'm scared that on transfer day we will have no viable embryos ready after PGD.  It's all new to us and I hate the uncertainty.