Next steps...

I love the fact that our new clinic sets up a follow up appointment for you within a day or two of your beta.  This allows you to discuss the cycle and move on quickly to a new cycle if you need to or discuss what's next if you are lucky enough to be pregnant.

Well this appointment was neither.  I wasn't pregnant and we wouldn't be starting another cycle straight away.  

Unfortunately, the discussion ending up on the topic of donor eggs.  Who we could ask?   Factors to consider?  I'm not sure what my poor mind was going through, was it a dream?  Was this my reality now?

However, his recommendation is to try one more time (collection number 6) with my own eggs to see how that goes.  To be honest, the odds are against us and I know I have to draw the line somewhere but the thought of my child not being "mine" terrifies me and I feel physically ill. I always dreamed of my children looking like me and being able to look at them and see similarities from my family line.

I know I will still hold just as much love for a baby born through donor eggs but my mind just isn't ready for it yet.

We decided to take a break, try and refresh my poor stressed body and C goes away for 2 weeks in October so we will go again in November.

As I've said before the hope is fading and I can't see this last attempt feeling any different.

IVF #5 (transfer 9)

So here we go again.  The bottom shelf of the fridge is stocked up with all the injections, there's yet another sharps container on the kitchen bench and yet another plan up on the fridge with dates and doses!  I don't get the same excitement I used to get on these days before the first injection starts.  After so much failure and heartache the hope of having our own success is definitely fading away.  

The routine started and then my health took a turn for the worst.  I got diagnosed with Bells Palsy, it was terrifying.  My mouth was drooped, my right eye wouldn't blink and my whole right side of my face was paralysed.  This happened on day 2 of injections.  I was able to continue with my cycle and I think if I wasn't doing the cycle I would be having a major pity party for myself.  Giving myself the injections proved to be difficult as I had to cover my eye for protection and my spacial perspective was a bit off.  I had two weeks off work and didn't go back until after transfer.  

Our monitoring scans went ok, not as ready as early as last time and we had five follicles.  Five eggs were collected which isn't great but better than none.  Three of them fertilised and then on day 4 I asked the lab for an update.  I was then wishing I hadn't.  There was only one that was looking like it was going to be suitable.  The other two were only at day 3 cell wise.  I was so anxious and nervous leading up to the next day.  Transfer was booked for 1.30pm and I was terrified my phone was going to ring with bad news about our embryos.  Thankfully we made it to the clinic with no phone calls.  But the news that came next was not what we expected.  The embryo they thought was going to be ok to transfer degenerated but thankfully one of the ones that were at the day 3 stage had continued to grow to morula stage.  The embryologist was happy with this but in the pit of my stomach I felt unsettled by it.

The wait began and as always I did really well at the start and then from about 6 days past I started to symptom spot and of course convinced myself it had worked and tested the day before beta, huge mistake, at 10dp5dt there was not even a squint of a second line!  Beta confirmed it the next day and it's just a kick in the guts!  I'm devastated and heartbroken yet again.

And then some more hope just disappears...