Sick of what ifs...

I'm angry.  I'm bitter.  I'm jealous. I'm consumed with this journey.  I hate the me that I have become.  Every thought is "what if."  What if the first FS tested properly?  What if my ex husband hadn't cheated on me?  What if the dr had told me to retest after being treated for chylamaidia?  I can't fix any of this so why do I hang onto it?  My New Years resolution was to only look forward, and how am I going with that?

Some days I wonder if I confronted my ex husband I might feel better but it won't give me back my fertility and years wasted on a cheating bastard.  I thought I saw him the other day.  I was at work sitting at my desk and a courier came to the door from the same company my ex worked for and the guy looked exactly like him.  I pressed the button to unlock the door and I thought I was going to vomit.  My mind raced, how can I get away.  Fortunatley for me it wasn't him.  I must have looked like a shaking mess.  I waited until he left and then went into my bosses office and slumped into an arm chair.  I told her what happened and told her I just needed a minute.  I must have looked like an idiot.  How can I let this guy that isn't even in my life anymore affect it so much?  

It's destroying me.  What if he hadn't cheated?  What if I hadn't contracted chylamaidia?  Would I still have endometriosis?  Was it the cause of my infertility?  But then the question comes...would I still be with him?  This one makes me torn because sure there were other problems in our relationship and we may never have made it anyway but would I be infertile?  Would I be a mum?  But the biggest one of all what if I had never met C.  And that's where it stops, I don't want to think of that one so all the other questions stop and get shoved aside.  

Yes I am infertile.  Yes this is tearing me apart.  But God has my best interests in mind and will bring me my baby just like he brought me C.  

Next plan of attack

This past year and a half has been hopefully the toughest thing I have had to do in my life.  There has been heartache, tears, anger, hope, fear, anxiety, fights, and about $25000 later still no success.  I am talking about infertility.  I would not wish this upon my worst enemy.  The dream was since i can remember to get married and have children and be finished this progression in life by 27.  Hmm yeah well that dream got screwed over, I am now 31, onto my second marriage and still no children. 

Here is a brief timeline to get you up to speed, I am sure there will be more posts on this topic!

• March 2006 - married husband no 1
• Started trying for a baby straight away
• December 2006 - got a positive HPT confirmed by dr just after Xmas 
• Jan 2007 - miscarried at 6 weeks
• Decided to try again
• Jan 2008 (I think) - went to see a FS was put on Clomid for 6 months after checking that my tubes weren't blocked
• Nothing, nothing, nothing
• July 2008 (possibly) - found out that my ex husband had chlymadia because he had done the dirty on me - twice!!  Got treated also just in case.
• December 2008 - we separated
• July 2009 - met husband no 2 (my love)
• Went off the pill a few months before we got married knowing that we wanted to get pregnant
• Married April 2011
• A lot of bad things happened after this, many more posts will explain this.
• July 2012 - no luck getting pregnant so decide to see a specialist
• August2012 - after many tests found out that I still had chlymadia (apparently the medication to treat it only works for 20% of cases and you have to retest after 6 weeks to check, didn't get told that by the dr I went to) so we both had to be treated and then wait 6 weeks to be retested to make sure it had gone (it had this time by the way).  My AMH was 1.1 and our only option given all that information was IVF and as soon as possible as we didn't know how long I had until I stopped producing eggs.  DH was perfect, his sperm count was more than ok.
• October 2012 - IVF #1 - 10 eggs, 6 fertilised, one fresh transferred - BFN
• November 2012 - FET #1 tried to do a natural but by 22 I still hadn't ovulated so we canceled
• January 2013 - FET #1 (take 2) medicated this time BFP but HCG was 29 which then dropped a few days later so was a chemical
• March 2013 - FET #2 medicated BFN 
• No more embryos left so out of 6 embryos only three survived for transfer.
• Took a break to save for another cycle 
• April 2013 - not sure how it came about but I decide to ring my FS and discuss pains I get sometimes and could it be endometriosis.  He said that he couldn't say for sure but we could check
• May 2013 - laparoscopy done, found severe endometriosis and a lot of damage most probably from the chylamaidia that I had for so many years.
• June 2013 - laparoscopy done to remove endo and my left tube due to so much damage.  Everything went well
• September 2013 - IVF #2 - 8 eggs, 7 fertilised, I fresh transfer BFN
• October 2013 - FET #3 medicated, 2 transferred BFN
• December 2013- FET#4 medicated I transferred BFN
• So out of 7 embryos only 4 survived for a transfer.
• No embryos left...what now!!!

Oh my gosh, all that history is so raw still and hurts to even write it and re live it.  We went to our specialist yesterday to reassess.  Was quite a long appointment because he went back through everything like I just did.  He believes that everything goes so well, I respond well to the drugs, get a good number of embryos considering my AMH level, they fertilise well, it's just the implanting.  So I am having some more blood tests for  blood clotting, immune disorders and chromosomal things whichhe believes will come back negative and C will do a semen analysis looking into the chromosomal stuff with his sperm.  He said he thinks the genetic testing on the eggs will be beneficial if we want to do it but he said we are patients that he wouldn't have put at the top of the list of needing to do it.  I want to do it (even though it is $3500 out of pocket no rebate eek) I believe that at least then we know we have looked into everything and if for some reason they all come back as duds I can be at peace with the fact that I did everything to try and have my "own" baby.

So the plan is to wait to get these results back and then save, save, save.  Hopefully do a cycle in August or September.

Where to begin...

My first post and I am a little nervous even though I have it set to private to start with.  

Firstly, I suppose a little bit about me.  I love the outdoors, going for walks, holidays by the beach, cooking.  I love a good rom-com to keep the dreams going.  I met the love of my life in July 2009 and we hit it off straight away, 4 dates in one week!  We moved in together in January 2010 (I think) and got engaged May 2010.  We then married in April 2011.  

I used to love scrapbooking very much, used to spend most weekends doing it.  But after a few tough years I don't seem to have the motivation or zest to document my life in a creative way anymore.  I thought I would try blogging as at least this way it doesn't have to be all good, there will be some hurt there too.