Sick of what ifs...

I'm angry.  I'm bitter.  I'm jealous. I'm consumed with this journey.  I hate the me that I have become.  Every thought is "what if."  What if the first FS tested properly?  What if my ex husband hadn't cheated on me?  What if the dr had told me to retest after being treated for chylamaidia?  I can't fix any of this so why do I hang onto it?  My New Years resolution was to only look forward, and how am I going with that?

Some days I wonder if I confronted my ex husband I might feel better but it won't give me back my fertility and years wasted on a cheating bastard.  I thought I saw him the other day.  I was at work sitting at my desk and a courier came to the door from the same company my ex worked for and the guy looked exactly like him.  I pressed the button to unlock the door and I thought I was going to vomit.  My mind raced, how can I get away.  Fortunatley for me it wasn't him.  I must have looked like a shaking mess.  I waited until he left and then went into my bosses office and slumped into an arm chair.  I told her what happened and told her I just needed a minute.  I must have looked like an idiot.  How can I let this guy that isn't even in my life anymore affect it so much?  

It's destroying me.  What if he hadn't cheated?  What if I hadn't contracted chylamaidia?  Would I still have endometriosis?  Was it the cause of my infertility?  But then the question comes...would I still be with him?  This one makes me torn because sure there were other problems in our relationship and we may never have made it anyway but would I be infertile?  Would I be a mum?  But the biggest one of all what if I had never met C.  And that's where it stops, I don't want to think of that one so all the other questions stop and get shoved aside.  

Yes I am infertile.  Yes this is tearing me apart.  But God has my best interests in mind and will bring me my baby just like he brought me C.