Suggesting donor eggs was a lot to process. I went through so many stages. I was angry that my body can't do what is intented of it as a woman, I grieved for the loss of my genetics being passed on, I worried that this still may not get our baby, and yet unfortunately only a slight hint of excitement shone through. How sad is that! Infertility sure has screwed me up!
Our dr was amazing with our decision and the process. He was so thrilled when I told him that my cousin had offered to donate. I didn't even have to ask. That's the beautiful thing about family they really do want the best for you.
This cycle has been by far the most stressful one. So much coordinating of appointments, consultations, financial considerations (as it costs so much more than regular IVF). All along I'm making sure my cousin is comfortable and ok with everything which is fine but I forgot to acknowledge how I was coping, which I wasn't. I wanted this to me doing the injections (as silly as that sounds), I wanted to be in control. I felt like a "newbie" again as I didn't know what to expect, how she was going to respond, how I was going to feel.
As retrieval got closer I got worse, I tried very hard to hide it but not sure how well I did. Once we had the confirmed day and time for retrieval that's when it really hit me that I had no part to play on this day, she would have retrieval and C would do his contribution but me..nothing. It really hit that this is real, these potential babies will not have my genes (sure she is my cousin so they will to some degree but it wasn't the same).
I'm nervous about Monday, I'm anxious to see what results we get but most of all I wish I could feel hopeful and excited. Everyone says "this is it" but after saying "this is it" to so many new things we have tried in the past excuse me while I have a hard time believing it.
