It's over...

And just like that it's all taken away from us!  The third beta dropped to 160 something so the bleeding is definitely a miscarriage.  I'm devasted!  I hate that just in the space of a week I went from being extremely happy, shocked, thankful, blessed and then fear and then relief and hope and then envisaging a nursery and never having to do IVF or any medical intervention again to the worst pain EVER!! I know I will pick myself up soon but right now I just can't see ahead at all.  In the blink of an eye our happiness just got taken away from us.  That what infertility looks like.

Out of difficulties grow miracles!

If I didn't believe in miracles before I certainly do now...

Thursday 13th November I went into my clinic for my routine check up scan and blood tests before starting injections on the weekend for IVF number 3 take 3.  Mum came for a drive with me and I had an acupuncture appointment straight after.  Driving back home and my phone rang and it was my clinic, I let it go to voicemail and I said to mum that the blood results must be in already and there must be a problem with me to be able to start (they never call unless there is an issue).  I then joked "unless I'm pregnant!"  Mum automatically said I should pull over and call back.  My nurse came on the phone and she said "are you sitting down" and my heart was racing!  She then said "you're pregnant" and I just cried straight away saying "are you freaking kidding me?"  I couldn't believe it, I was shaking and trying to get my head around this news!  I just can't believe that a cancelled cycle and a trigger shot to release the two eggs that were growing resulted in us conceiving naturally!  The HCG level was 161!  I rang C straight away and he was happy but in complete shock.  

I took a test the next morning and saw for myself the words "pregnant" come up on the test!  I took another test Sunday morning as I wanted a keepsake and the digital doesn't last.  The line appeared as soon as the fluid started flowing across the window and it was so very dark!  By that afternoon though I started bleeding and I was petrified, I went to the clinic the next morning for another blood test and the level had increased to 596, doubled perfectly!! Such a relief.  The bleeding has slowed a little today (Tuesday) and I go back tomorrow for another blood test! Please Lord continue to watch over this baby and allow him/her to keep growing big and strong! 🙏

You have got to be kidding me...

After our first attempt at IVF number 3 was cancelled we proceeded to push on with another attempt.  I tried a new FSH injection, Menopur, had my day 6 check up and there was only two okay sized follicles.  Wtf?! Are you kidding me?  Dr said it doesn't look good and that we will continue and check again on day 8.  Day 8 came and still not much better so take 2 has been cancelled.  I'm just so upset and angry and it's really hard to stay hopeful.  Now the thought process carries on, is my body at the end of its road?  Should we take a short break? Or do we jump straight back in?  What makes it so hard is with the PGD it has to be scheduled in on a certain day, pick up has to occur on the day we book and my body has to be ready to start injections on a certain day!  Too much demand and stress.  We have decided to try again and will book pick up for 28th November.  I just hope and pray my body decides to respond this time around.  I'm not ready to give up on the idea of having my "own" child 🙏

Change of plans

IVF number 3 is no longer a go.  The scan at day 10 showed only one decent sized follicle so it got changed to an IUI instead.  I took a trigger shot that night and we had the procedure two days later.  Unfortunately, I only got to 11 days past and got my period.  We were both devastated as we were feeling very hopeful.

So IVF number 3 is back under way take two!  I started the BCP two days ago and will start injections in just over two weeks.  I'm anxious but I need to stay calm and leave it with God.

IVF number 3 is a go...

So I have survived my three months of torture, oh I mean hormone treatment.  The last six weeks of it I hardly slept because of night sweats and insomnia.  I keep telling myself it will be worth it.  

I am now day 5 of stims and going well.  I was so nervous about doing the needles again and I still get anxious before each one.  I'm starting to bloat and feeling a few twinges in my ovaries.  I have my first scan in two days so hopefully there is good growth.  

I know I'm doing everything I possibly can but I'm terrified still.  I'm scared that on transfer day we will have no viable embryos ready after PGD.  It's all new to us and I hate the uncertainty.

Hormones, hormones, hormones....

When will a break ever be a proper break.  Our first break a year ago ended up including two surgeries now this one was a break for a little bit but now I have already started hormone treatment three months out from our IVF round.  I am just over a month in and I am on the count down to September!  One of the hormones is to help with egg quality but it is a testosterone drug so my skin and hair is oilier, and I could get hairier! Great! The other hormone is triggering my body to shut down and go into menopause so I am having headaches, hot flushes, night sweats and major mood swings!  And last week I started bleeding and I shouldn't have on the drugs so had to go in for a check up.  Things just aren't meant to be simple.  I now have 50 days until my first scan and blood test ready for IVF round 3!  Woo bring it on!!

Baby's first bear

I find this part of the journey really hard to try and explain to others around me.  I want a baby of our own so badly, it's the only thing I think about.  For the last 18 months of TTC through IVF I seemed to have put my life on hold. The scenarios would begin, "if I get pregnant this round..." but it was so hard not to do.  I need to know I am doing everything right, right with the medications, supplements etc.  I'm exercising, I'm eating right.  But then I realised I wasn't doing much for my mind and my thinking.  I sourced some good meditations from my TTC sisters and my personal trainer who also teaches meditation.  I started putting aside half an hour each night before bed and I feel great!  There are some days I miss and if I do I go to sleep with relaxation music going instead.  I really feel this is going to be beneficial to me going into this round as it is going to be so hard after so many failures to think positively.

I also am one who needs visualisation things too.  I had already done a wish board and it was in my bedroom next to the bed, I had all my little "lucky" trinkets next to it and now I have added "Peanut."  While visiting J we were shopping for little gifts for some of our IVF sisters that we met on instagram, when we stumbled across a "build a bear" shop and went straight in and both had the thought straight away to make our future babies a bear which would also help us along the way.   It's all these little things that are going to help me think positively about this round.