More disappointment

So we began our FET cycle without any problems and as always come day 10 my lining was a perfect 9.8mm.  Transfer was booked for the Wednesday after and I was really nervous.  We had never only had one frostie left, always at least two and one normally doesn't make it.  That made me so worried that if this one doesn't make it then there were none to fall back on.  Well my nightmare came true.  I was at work until 1pm and transfer was scheduled for 3pm.  There were no missed calls so I felt relieved, 15 minutes later my phone rang and my heart sunk.  Sure enough it was the lab ringing to tell me our only embryo didn't survive.  I didn't cope very well with this news.  I still went to my appointment but instead of having a transfer I was having a "what's next" talk with my dr.  He sent me for some bloods even though I have had them done before.  He was just as upset as I was.  There were some colourful words from him and tears from me.  I just couldn't believe this was happening.  I asked him if I needed to start considering donor eggs and his reply was "I will be very forth coming if that needed to be the case and I can say that I cannot see that on the horizon" this was a relief as I am not ready to have to consider that.  So after a hug from my dr I was on my way with the plan to start our fifth fresh collection cycle once my period arrives.  I can't believe I am doing the whole injection protocol for the fifth time (well technically the seventh as two got cancelled).

IVF #4 update

So retrieval went better than we thought, we got 8 eggs!!  Got the call the next day and 4 had fertilised as some weren't mature enough which was to be expected considering the scan only showed 5 follicles.  Transfer day came and I felt really good!  We had two really good embryos and one that could possibly make it to freeze.  We transferred one and froze the other.  It was so amazing to get to actually see the little white dot float into my lining.

The next day they called to say the other one didn't make it to freeze.  That was a bit of a bummer.

This transfer just felt different I wasn't anxious at all and it just sailed past.

Beta day came and the results were positive but very low, hcg was 9.  I knew it could go either way but I wasn't holding onto hope!

Beta number two came, three days later and I had already started to bleed so knew the outcome.  Sure enough the level had dropped to 5, we were miscarrying.  I had my follow up appointment on the same day so we are starting an FET cycle in two days time to use our one and only frostie.

I just really want and need this one to work and stay with us!  Please please please!!

New, new, new

So it's always the way, if you are waiting for something it will take longer to come!!  That is what has happened to me.  My period is sometimes one or two days give or take but this time it was 9 days late, couldn't believe it! "Are you kidding me" were my thoughts!

So we were finally able to get IVF #4 under way.

New clinic, new dr so why not new protocol!  I was on Elonva, gonal f 600iu, saizen (growth hormone), luveris and orgalutran.  Needless to say my poor belly started getting very tender with all of these shots.  But considering I'm a pro at fresh cycles it didn't bother me.

Had my first scan today at day 11 and I have five follicles all between 18-23mm.  I will be honest it's not the greatest results and I was disappointed.  Retrieval is booked for Wednesday morning at 10.30am.

Now I just need to pray hard that there is an egg in each follicle!

Changes

After much discussion, research and several pros and cons lists, I set up an appointment with a new clinic with a Dr with a really good reputation.  This was a big deal and really scary as we really like our current clinic and dr but we wonder if a new set of eyes and also this new clinic is cheaper which makes it easier for us to do more cycles if we need to.

I was so nervous, I went to the appointment by myself and was so overwhelmed.  He was so confident that he can get us pregnant and he gave me two options, do surgery first to check my endometrosis or do one or two transfers and if I'm not pregnant then we will do the surgery.  And to make this even better is that he wanted to do the surgery at no gap, this was a big deal. As scared as I was to do the surgery again, I'm also more scared that my endometrosis had come back.  We decided to go ahead with the surgery which was two days ago now and I'm so glad we did.  He found a lot of adhesions on the left hand side from where they took my tube last time and on my bowel, he removed endometriosis from the top of my vagina and my right tube was not open.  I have my post op appointment next Wednesday and I will find out more about my right tube.  I really hope he was able to open it.  But really at the end of the day we know we have to do more IVF so I'm ready to jump straight into it.  I'm feeling excited and hopeful that our baby is coming.

Just a catch up

So it's been awhile since my last post.  We have been to hell and back that's for sure.  After the miscarriage we took a break obviously due to the nature of it all and then did an IUI in January.  My ovaries did really well, I started on 125iu of Puregon and then half way through increased it to 150iu.  I had three really good follicles growing and then my next scan showed two more which were smaller so to avoid a cancelled cycle we triggered and went ahead with the three good ones.  Unfortunately it was a BFN.  

During these scans though our dr noticed an unusual thickening on one part of my lining.  We decided to look into this further just in case it was a polyp and we did a hysteroscopy.  Everything went well and there was nothing there to remove.

We decided not to bother with anymore IUI's and go straight back into IVF.  The baseline scan went well, I had 9 antral follicles which is more than normal.  We started injections and progress scans were going well.  We ended up with 9 follicles before trigger which was great considering all those cancelled cycles last year.  We got 6 eggs at retrieval which I wasn't really happy with.  5 were mature and 4 fertilised.  I was not feeling great about this.  3 made it to day 3 and we decided to go ahead with PGD.  Out of the three only one tested normal.  I was shattered, I felt so much pressure on me at that time for this to work.  I almost didn't want to do the transfer.  

Two week wait began and as always the first week goes ok and then the second I just can't stop thinking about every twinge and feeling.  I was convinced it had worked as I felt nauseated and exhausted. 

Well that was all in my head as it ended in a BFN.

We were devastated, this was meant to work, it was a viable embryo, I was on Clexane and prednisone so in my head this was it!

This was the hardest failed cycle I had to get through.  I thought I was strong but the emptiness I felt was unbelievable.

It's over...

And just like that it's all taken away from us!  The third beta dropped to 160 something so the bleeding is definitely a miscarriage.  I'm devasted!  I hate that just in the space of a week I went from being extremely happy, shocked, thankful, blessed and then fear and then relief and hope and then envisaging a nursery and never having to do IVF or any medical intervention again to the worst pain EVER!! I know I will pick myself up soon but right now I just can't see ahead at all.  In the blink of an eye our happiness just got taken away from us.  That what infertility looks like.

Out of difficulties grow miracles!

If I didn't believe in miracles before I certainly do now...

Thursday 13th November I went into my clinic for my routine check up scan and blood tests before starting injections on the weekend for IVF number 3 take 3.  Mum came for a drive with me and I had an acupuncture appointment straight after.  Driving back home and my phone rang and it was my clinic, I let it go to voicemail and I said to mum that the blood results must be in already and there must be a problem with me to be able to start (they never call unless there is an issue).  I then joked "unless I'm pregnant!"  Mum automatically said I should pull over and call back.  My nurse came on the phone and she said "are you sitting down" and my heart was racing!  She then said "you're pregnant" and I just cried straight away saying "are you freaking kidding me?"  I couldn't believe it, I was shaking and trying to get my head around this news!  I just can't believe that a cancelled cycle and a trigger shot to release the two eggs that were growing resulted in us conceiving naturally!  The HCG level was 161!  I rang C straight away and he was happy but in complete shock.  

I took a test the next morning and saw for myself the words "pregnant" come up on the test!  I took another test Sunday morning as I wanted a keepsake and the digital doesn't last.  The line appeared as soon as the fluid started flowing across the window and it was so very dark!  By that afternoon though I started bleeding and I was petrified, I went to the clinic the next morning for another blood test and the level had increased to 596, doubled perfectly!! Such a relief.  The bleeding has slowed a little today (Tuesday) and I go back tomorrow for another blood test! Please Lord continue to watch over this baby and allow him/her to keep growing big and strong! 🙏