My support network

It's been hard talking to people about my infertility and the IVF.  As much as I know they care about us they just can't begin to understand what it is we are feeling.  The emotions and stress that come with this journey is like no other I have ever felt before.  To try and explain how you are feeling is really difficult and close to impossible.  The only people that can truly understand are those that are going through the same thing or have done so.  That's why I think creating a "TTC" account on Instagram has been the most helpful thing I could have done.  I have been on there now for 12 weeks and the friendships I have made with some very beautiful women has made it so much easier for me to deal with these emotions.  You don't need to explain yourself, these women understand straight away and the support and comfort you get from that is surprisingly amazing!!  About 5 weeks ago I actually met up with three of them and it was the best day, we talked like we had known each other for years. It was a very liberating feeling to know I am not alone in this and that I am strong enough to get through this.  One of them was pregnant from IVF so that was very reassuring that this can work.  But in particular there is one woman J that has been so amazing.  We started talking just over private message on Facebook at Christmas time last year and it was great to be able to confide in her and click straight away and feel so comfortable.  We live in the same state but not close enough to see each other all the time.  We have only met up that once.  I then received this surprise package one day and it was from her, all these really thoughtful little items.  We have been texting ever since and I have sent her a package too.  She is there for me in the good and the bad and it is so great to have a friend that is going through this and knows exactly what emotions I am feeling.  I don't think I would be coping as well as what I am if I didn't start this account and have the support and distraction that it provides.

Waiting, waiting...

It's been four months since our last failed cycle and it's been real tough.  I think because since August 2012, we have either been doing tests, doing cycles or I have been having surgery.  We had always been doing something towards getting our baby and yet I am still sitting here, just still as me, not Mum, not pregnant, just lonely old me!  Yes I have C, and family, friends and the cats but they are never going to be able to fill the hole that is within me if I never get a baby.  I still have 37 days until I start Synarel and then it's another 3 months after that that I will start my next cycle.  So that's eight months in total that I have had to wait, doing nothing towards getting our baby and I'm scared, I'm really scared.  I'm scared that we won't get a good number of eggs, I am scared that out of those that do fertilised, we won't get any viable embryos to transfer after the PGD testing.  I never envisaged any of this for my life.  I don't know if all this is killing me or making me stronger.

Yes more tests...

So the test results were ok.  DH of course was great again.  Me on the other hand got given yet another setback.  My auto immune antibodies came back slightly elevated which could mean that my body attacks the embryo as if it's a foreign body and therefore either never gets a chance to implant or implants and then gets "kicked out."  So the plan is to put me on Synarel nose spray starting on CD21 in June and I will stay on this until my IVF cycle starts in September.  I will start stims and after collection I will go on a low dose of Prednisone and aspirin to ensure my body doesn't reject the embryo.  We will also do PGD testing this time so we know we are only using viable embryos not just ones that "look good" under the microscope.  I am so petrified that none of them will be viable.  I don't know how I will cope with that and know that my journey of having my own biological children is over.  Hopefully I won't have to deal with that.

So I have 49 days until I start the nose spray which means I am closer to my cycle and to my baby.  I think I have done pretty well to have waited this long already.