IVF collection #6

Our last collection cycle with my eggs started like any other cycle. The stocking of the fridge, the protocol displayed ready to tick off each individual injection.  Five a day to be exact.

Emotions were higher than normal for me.  Each shot was getting harder to bear with each passing day.  My first scan day arrived and I was feeling ok about it.  Eight follicles, that's amazing for me to produce.  They weren't quite big enough yet so I went back two days later.  Still eight at scan number two and they were all ready to go.  I was feeling so great about this follicle count but that joy faded very fast.  Collection results are in and we got 3 eggs.  I couldn't believe it, truly is this what it's going to come down to.  My last cycle with my own eggs and my body is really tell me that's it done!

Next day got the call with fertilisation rates and that wasn't the best either.  Two weren't mature enough for ICSI so were put in a dish normally but one fertilised abnormally so they just had to wait and see what it did next.  The one that was injected fertilised normally.  So it was safe to say we only had one embryo.  

No news is good news in relation to how they are going so when Friday came (day 4) and I hadn't heard from the clinic with a transfer time I started to panic.  And I had every right to.  One embryo was at 3 cell and one was at 6 cell which at day 4 should be at least 16 cell.  They also had a fair bit of fragmentation.  It was over before it technically even began.

It hit me hard that I would not be PUPO with my last shot at a biological child.  I didn't even get a fighting chance.  I don't know what is next.  Maybe donor but C is exhausted from all the strain and stress that IVF brings that I'm not even sure he wants to continue.

I am beyond devastated.  I'm lost.

Next steps...

I love the fact that our new clinic sets up a follow up appointment for you within a day or two of your beta.  This allows you to discuss the cycle and move on quickly to a new cycle if you need to or discuss what's next if you are lucky enough to be pregnant.

Well this appointment was neither.  I wasn't pregnant and we wouldn't be starting another cycle straight away.  

Unfortunately, the discussion ending up on the topic of donor eggs.  Who we could ask?   Factors to consider?  I'm not sure what my poor mind was going through, was it a dream?  Was this my reality now?

However, his recommendation is to try one more time (collection number 6) with my own eggs to see how that goes.  To be honest, the odds are against us and I know I have to draw the line somewhere but the thought of my child not being "mine" terrifies me and I feel physically ill. I always dreamed of my children looking like me and being able to look at them and see similarities from my family line.

I know I will still hold just as much love for a baby born through donor eggs but my mind just isn't ready for it yet.

We decided to take a break, try and refresh my poor stressed body and C goes away for 2 weeks in October so we will go again in November.

As I've said before the hope is fading and I can't see this last attempt feeling any different.

IVF #5 (transfer 9)

So here we go again.  The bottom shelf of the fridge is stocked up with all the injections, there's yet another sharps container on the kitchen bench and yet another plan up on the fridge with dates and doses!  I don't get the same excitement I used to get on these days before the first injection starts.  After so much failure and heartache the hope of having our own success is definitely fading away.  

The routine started and then my health took a turn for the worst.  I got diagnosed with Bells Palsy, it was terrifying.  My mouth was drooped, my right eye wouldn't blink and my whole right side of my face was paralysed.  This happened on day 2 of injections.  I was able to continue with my cycle and I think if I wasn't doing the cycle I would be having a major pity party for myself.  Giving myself the injections proved to be difficult as I had to cover my eye for protection and my spacial perspective was a bit off.  I had two weeks off work and didn't go back until after transfer.  

Our monitoring scans went ok, not as ready as early as last time and we had five follicles.  Five eggs were collected which isn't great but better than none.  Three of them fertilised and then on day 4 I asked the lab for an update.  I was then wishing I hadn't.  There was only one that was looking like it was going to be suitable.  The other two were only at day 3 cell wise.  I was so anxious and nervous leading up to the next day.  Transfer was booked for 1.30pm and I was terrified my phone was going to ring with bad news about our embryos.  Thankfully we made it to the clinic with no phone calls.  But the news that came next was not what we expected.  The embryo they thought was going to be ok to transfer degenerated but thankfully one of the ones that were at the day 3 stage had continued to grow to morula stage.  The embryologist was happy with this but in the pit of my stomach I felt unsettled by it.

The wait began and as always I did really well at the start and then from about 6 days past I started to symptom spot and of course convinced myself it had worked and tested the day before beta, huge mistake, at 10dp5dt there was not even a squint of a second line!  Beta confirmed it the next day and it's just a kick in the guts!  I'm devastated and heartbroken yet again.

And then some more hope just disappears...

More disappointment

So we began our FET cycle without any problems and as always come day 10 my lining was a perfect 9.8mm.  Transfer was booked for the Wednesday after and I was really nervous.  We had never only had one frostie left, always at least two and one normally doesn't make it.  That made me so worried that if this one doesn't make it then there were none to fall back on.  Well my nightmare came true.  I was at work until 1pm and transfer was scheduled for 3pm.  There were no missed calls so I felt relieved, 15 minutes later my phone rang and my heart sunk.  Sure enough it was the lab ringing to tell me our only embryo didn't survive.  I didn't cope very well with this news.  I still went to my appointment but instead of having a transfer I was having a "what's next" talk with my dr.  He sent me for some bloods even though I have had them done before.  He was just as upset as I was.  There were some colourful words from him and tears from me.  I just couldn't believe this was happening.  I asked him if I needed to start considering donor eggs and his reply was "I will be very forth coming if that needed to be the case and I can say that I cannot see that on the horizon" this was a relief as I am not ready to have to consider that.  So after a hug from my dr I was on my way with the plan to start our fifth fresh collection cycle once my period arrives.  I can't believe I am doing the whole injection protocol for the fifth time (well technically the seventh as two got cancelled).

IVF #4 update

So retrieval went better than we thought, we got 8 eggs!!  Got the call the next day and 4 had fertilised as some weren't mature enough which was to be expected considering the scan only showed 5 follicles.  Transfer day came and I felt really good!  We had two really good embryos and one that could possibly make it to freeze.  We transferred one and froze the other.  It was so amazing to get to actually see the little white dot float into my lining.

The next day they called to say the other one didn't make it to freeze.  That was a bit of a bummer.

This transfer just felt different I wasn't anxious at all and it just sailed past.

Beta day came and the results were positive but very low, hcg was 9.  I knew it could go either way but I wasn't holding onto hope!

Beta number two came, three days later and I had already started to bleed so knew the outcome.  Sure enough the level had dropped to 5, we were miscarrying.  I had my follow up appointment on the same day so we are starting an FET cycle in two days time to use our one and only frostie.

I just really want and need this one to work and stay with us!  Please please please!!

New, new, new

So it's always the way, if you are waiting for something it will take longer to come!!  That is what has happened to me.  My period is sometimes one or two days give or take but this time it was 9 days late, couldn't believe it! "Are you kidding me" were my thoughts!

So we were finally able to get IVF #4 under way.

New clinic, new dr so why not new protocol!  I was on Elonva, gonal f 600iu, saizen (growth hormone), luveris and orgalutran.  Needless to say my poor belly started getting very tender with all of these shots.  But considering I'm a pro at fresh cycles it didn't bother me.

Had my first scan today at day 11 and I have five follicles all between 18-23mm.  I will be honest it's not the greatest results and I was disappointed.  Retrieval is booked for Wednesday morning at 10.30am.

Now I just need to pray hard that there is an egg in each follicle!

Changes

After much discussion, research and several pros and cons lists, I set up an appointment with a new clinic with a Dr with a really good reputation.  This was a big deal and really scary as we really like our current clinic and dr but we wonder if a new set of eyes and also this new clinic is cheaper which makes it easier for us to do more cycles if we need to.

I was so nervous, I went to the appointment by myself and was so overwhelmed.  He was so confident that he can get us pregnant and he gave me two options, do surgery first to check my endometrosis or do one or two transfers and if I'm not pregnant then we will do the surgery.  And to make this even better is that he wanted to do the surgery at no gap, this was a big deal. As scared as I was to do the surgery again, I'm also more scared that my endometrosis had come back.  We decided to go ahead with the surgery which was two days ago now and I'm so glad we did.  He found a lot of adhesions on the left hand side from where they took my tube last time and on my bowel, he removed endometriosis from the top of my vagina and my right tube was not open.  I have my post op appointment next Wednesday and I will find out more about my right tube.  I really hope he was able to open it.  But really at the end of the day we know we have to do more IVF so I'm ready to jump straight into it.  I'm feeling excited and hopeful that our baby is coming.

Just a catch up

So it's been awhile since my last post.  We have been to hell and back that's for sure.  After the miscarriage we took a break obviously due to the nature of it all and then did an IUI in January.  My ovaries did really well, I started on 125iu of Puregon and then half way through increased it to 150iu.  I had three really good follicles growing and then my next scan showed two more which were smaller so to avoid a cancelled cycle we triggered and went ahead with the three good ones.  Unfortunately it was a BFN.  

During these scans though our dr noticed an unusual thickening on one part of my lining.  We decided to look into this further just in case it was a polyp and we did a hysteroscopy.  Everything went well and there was nothing there to remove.

We decided not to bother with anymore IUI's and go straight back into IVF.  The baseline scan went well, I had 9 antral follicles which is more than normal.  We started injections and progress scans were going well.  We ended up with 9 follicles before trigger which was great considering all those cancelled cycles last year.  We got 6 eggs at retrieval which I wasn't really happy with.  5 were mature and 4 fertilised.  I was not feeling great about this.  3 made it to day 3 and we decided to go ahead with PGD.  Out of the three only one tested normal.  I was shattered, I felt so much pressure on me at that time for this to work.  I almost didn't want to do the transfer.  

Two week wait began and as always the first week goes ok and then the second I just can't stop thinking about every twinge and feeling.  I was convinced it had worked as I felt nauseated and exhausted. 

Well that was all in my head as it ended in a BFN.

We were devastated, this was meant to work, it was a viable embryo, I was on Clexane and prednisone so in my head this was it!

This was the hardest failed cycle I had to get through.  I thought I was strong but the emptiness I felt was unbelievable.