You have got to be kidding me...

After our first attempt at IVF number 3 was cancelled we proceeded to push on with another attempt.  I tried a new FSH injection, Menopur, had my day 6 check up and there was only two okay sized follicles.  Wtf?! Are you kidding me?  Dr said it doesn't look good and that we will continue and check again on day 8.  Day 8 came and still not much better so take 2 has been cancelled.  I'm just so upset and angry and it's really hard to stay hopeful.  Now the thought process carries on, is my body at the end of its road?  Should we take a short break? Or do we jump straight back in?  What makes it so hard is with the PGD it has to be scheduled in on a certain day, pick up has to occur on the day we book and my body has to be ready to start injections on a certain day!  Too much demand and stress.  We have decided to try again and will book pick up for 28th November.  I just hope and pray my body decides to respond this time around.  I'm not ready to give up on the idea of having my "own" child 🙏

Change of plans

IVF number 3 is no longer a go.  The scan at day 10 showed only one decent sized follicle so it got changed to an IUI instead.  I took a trigger shot that night and we had the procedure two days later.  Unfortunately, I only got to 11 days past and got my period.  We were both devastated as we were feeling very hopeful.

So IVF number 3 is back under way take two!  I started the BCP two days ago and will start injections in just over two weeks.  I'm anxious but I need to stay calm and leave it with God.

IVF number 3 is a go...

So I have survived my three months of torture, oh I mean hormone treatment.  The last six weeks of it I hardly slept because of night sweats and insomnia.  I keep telling myself it will be worth it.  

I am now day 5 of stims and going well.  I was so nervous about doing the needles again and I still get anxious before each one.  I'm starting to bloat and feeling a few twinges in my ovaries.  I have my first scan in two days so hopefully there is good growth.  

I know I'm doing everything I possibly can but I'm terrified still.  I'm scared that on transfer day we will have no viable embryos ready after PGD.  It's all new to us and I hate the uncertainty.

Hormones, hormones, hormones....

When will a break ever be a proper break.  Our first break a year ago ended up including two surgeries now this one was a break for a little bit but now I have already started hormone treatment three months out from our IVF round.  I am just over a month in and I am on the count down to September!  One of the hormones is to help with egg quality but it is a testosterone drug so my skin and hair is oilier, and I could get hairier! Great! The other hormone is triggering my body to shut down and go into menopause so I am having headaches, hot flushes, night sweats and major mood swings!  And last week I started bleeding and I shouldn't have on the drugs so had to go in for a check up.  Things just aren't meant to be simple.  I now have 50 days until my first scan and blood test ready for IVF round 3!  Woo bring it on!!

Baby's first bear

I find this part of the journey really hard to try and explain to others around me.  I want a baby of our own so badly, it's the only thing I think about.  For the last 18 months of TTC through IVF I seemed to have put my life on hold. The scenarios would begin, "if I get pregnant this round..." but it was so hard not to do.  I need to know I am doing everything right, right with the medications, supplements etc.  I'm exercising, I'm eating right.  But then I realised I wasn't doing much for my mind and my thinking.  I sourced some good meditations from my TTC sisters and my personal trainer who also teaches meditation.  I started putting aside half an hour each night before bed and I feel great!  There are some days I miss and if I do I go to sleep with relaxation music going instead.  I really feel this is going to be beneficial to me going into this round as it is going to be so hard after so many failures to think positively.

I also am one who needs visualisation things too.  I had already done a wish board and it was in my bedroom next to the bed, I had all my little "lucky" trinkets next to it and now I have added "Peanut."  While visiting J we were shopping for little gifts for some of our IVF sisters that we met on instagram, when we stumbled across a "build a bear" shop and went straight in and both had the thought straight away to make our future babies a bear which would also help us along the way.   It's all these little things that are going to help me think positively about this round. 

My support network

It's been hard talking to people about my infertility and the IVF.  As much as I know they care about us they just can't begin to understand what it is we are feeling.  The emotions and stress that come with this journey is like no other I have ever felt before.  To try and explain how you are feeling is really difficult and close to impossible.  The only people that can truly understand are those that are going through the same thing or have done so.  That's why I think creating a "TTC" account on Instagram has been the most helpful thing I could have done.  I have been on there now for 12 weeks and the friendships I have made with some very beautiful women has made it so much easier for me to deal with these emotions.  You don't need to explain yourself, these women understand straight away and the support and comfort you get from that is surprisingly amazing!!  About 5 weeks ago I actually met up with three of them and it was the best day, we talked like we had known each other for years. It was a very liberating feeling to know I am not alone in this and that I am strong enough to get through this.  One of them was pregnant from IVF so that was very reassuring that this can work.  But in particular there is one woman J that has been so amazing.  We started talking just over private message on Facebook at Christmas time last year and it was great to be able to confide in her and click straight away and feel so comfortable.  We live in the same state but not close enough to see each other all the time.  We have only met up that once.  I then received this surprise package one day and it was from her, all these really thoughtful little items.  We have been texting ever since and I have sent her a package too.  She is there for me in the good and the bad and it is so great to have a friend that is going through this and knows exactly what emotions I am feeling.  I don't think I would be coping as well as what I am if I didn't start this account and have the support and distraction that it provides.

Waiting, waiting...

It's been four months since our last failed cycle and it's been real tough.  I think because since August 2012, we have either been doing tests, doing cycles or I have been having surgery.  We had always been doing something towards getting our baby and yet I am still sitting here, just still as me, not Mum, not pregnant, just lonely old me!  Yes I have C, and family, friends and the cats but they are never going to be able to fill the hole that is within me if I never get a baby.  I still have 37 days until I start Synarel and then it's another 3 months after that that I will start my next cycle.  So that's eight months in total that I have had to wait, doing nothing towards getting our baby and I'm scared, I'm really scared.  I'm scared that we won't get a good number of eggs, I am scared that out of those that do fertilised, we won't get any viable embryos to transfer after the PGD testing.  I never envisaged any of this for my life.  I don't know if all this is killing me or making me stronger.