Update needed

It's been awhile since my last post.  We have been on our holiday and had a great time!!  My period came on time and we started our FET.  I was feeling nice and calm and I love that feeling while doing a cycle.  My day 11 scan came and my lining was a perfect 10mm triple stripe!! We booked transfer in for that Friday.  Still feeling nice and relaxed and transfer couldn't have gone any better!  We had four frozen embryos and the first one they thawed survived perfectly and was a hatching blastocyst.  

Now to go through the dreaded two week wait which I totally lost my mind in the first two days!  I couldn't handle it any longer I've never been a tester at home but this time I just needed to know! 

To be continued...

I'm ready...

Ok let's do this!! I'm ready to do the next step in this egg donor cycle!

I saw my FS today for what I called my "peace of mind chat."  And it served it's purpose!  He is super happy how the cycle went and is delighted we are ready to do an FET after we get back from our holiday.

So our plan is to do a medicated FET and I will also be on aspirin and prednisone which I'm happy about.  

So in 11 days we leave for our overseas holiday for 2 weeks and then I will be ready to go!! Bring it on!

Leap of faith

Being negative doesn't get you anywhere! I'm that person who replies "but it's too hard not to stress" my husband says to me this morning "if someone told you that stressing over this transfer will not allow it to work and kill your embryo would you stop stressing or say it's too hard". I knew he was right but my first instinct was to get my back up and say to him "how do I not stress"  instead I asked him "how do you not stress" as he his always so calm and he said "because we have been given a great opportunity for this to actually work, the other times we weren't doing anything different and still getting the same negative result, this donor egg cycle is a game changer" 

That conversation has turned the light on in my head!  It's that simple, how I act or react is affecting my chances so I choose hope and faith again!! 

Up and down...

I'm in limbo, I don't know how I feel.  One moment, I'm excited and hopeful but then my past cycles come to the forefront of my mind and just takes over.  People would say to me "I don't know how you keep doing, you are so strong." My response was always because I believe my baby is coming and I could visualise us as parents.  Now as time goes on I'm struggling to visualise that anymore and this cycle I actually feel like I have been given my last chance.  It's not a great feeling.

Infertility and IVF has changed me forever I reckon.  There is no going back.  I'd love to go back a few years, even one year would be enough and then I would still have my passion and drive that this will work for us.  But that's just not the case.  

My sister had a scare last week that IVF may have had to be her path as well but thankfully her dye test showed that her tubes aren't still blocked which is such a blessing!  I felt so much dread for her, I didn't want her to have to endure this crap too.  I was also afraid that I wouldn't have been a positive help for her through it.  I would be informative but I wouldn't have been able to be a positive role model for her and that upsets me that this is where I am in my life.  

Such a beautiful gift!

We did it, we made it through our first (and hopefully only) donor egg cycle.  We are so truly blessed and grateful to my cousin for providing us with such an amazing chance to be parents.  I'm more excited now of that prospect.  I'm feeling a little apprehensive as to if it will work, which is only natural.  After all the failed cycles, miscarriages and heartache, it's hard to believe that this could actually happen for us.  The success rates are so much bigger than it has ever been before so I just need to believe it will work!

We have 4 beautiful blastocyst babies in the freezer waiting for us!!  So amazing!! 

We have a trip overseas planned and then it is transfer time!  I'll be nice and relaxed ready to go.  I've been eating clean and working out the last 9 weeks so I feel great and I'm losing some of that built up IVF weight.  Everything is pointing in a positive direction!! 

Donor process

Suggesting donor eggs was a lot to process.  I went through so many stages.  I was angry that my body can't do what is intented of it as a woman, I grieved for the loss of my genetics being passed on, I worried that this still may not get our baby, and yet unfortunately only a slight hint of excitement shone through.  How sad is that!  Infertility sure has screwed me up!

Our dr was amazing with our decision and the process.  He was so thrilled when I told him that my cousin had offered to donate.  I didn't even have to ask.  That's the beautiful thing about family they really do want the best for you.

This cycle has been by far the most stressful one.  So much coordinating of appointments, consultations, financial considerations (as it costs so much more than regular IVF).  All along I'm making sure my cousin is comfortable and ok with everything which is fine but I forgot to acknowledge how I was coping, which I wasn't.  I wanted this to me doing the injections (as silly as that sounds), I wanted to be in control.  I felt like a "newbie" again as I didn't know what to expect, how she was going to respond, how I was going to feel.  

As retrieval got closer I got worse, I tried very hard to hide it but not sure how well I did.  Once we had the confirmed day and time for retrieval that's when it really hit me that I had no part to play on this day, she would have retrieval and C would do his contribution but me..nothing.  It really hit that this is real, these potential babies will not have my genes (sure she is my cousin so they will to some degree but it wasn't the same).  

I'm nervous about Monday, I'm anxious to see what results we get but most of all I wish I could feel hopeful and excited.  Everyone says "this is it" but after saying "this is it" to so many new things we have tried in the past excuse me while I have a hard time believing it.

IVF collection #6

Our last collection cycle with my eggs started like any other cycle. The stocking of the fridge, the protocol displayed ready to tick off each individual injection.  Five a day to be exact.

Emotions were higher than normal for me.  Each shot was getting harder to bear with each passing day.  My first scan day arrived and I was feeling ok about it.  Eight follicles, that's amazing for me to produce.  They weren't quite big enough yet so I went back two days later.  Still eight at scan number two and they were all ready to go.  I was feeling so great about this follicle count but that joy faded very fast.  Collection results are in and we got 3 eggs.  I couldn't believe it, truly is this what it's going to come down to.  My last cycle with my own eggs and my body is really tell me that's it done!

Next day got the call with fertilisation rates and that wasn't the best either.  Two weren't mature enough for ICSI so were put in a dish normally but one fertilised abnormally so they just had to wait and see what it did next.  The one that was injected fertilised normally.  So it was safe to say we only had one embryo.  

No news is good news in relation to how they are going so when Friday came (day 4) and I hadn't heard from the clinic with a transfer time I started to panic.  And I had every right to.  One embryo was at 3 cell and one was at 6 cell which at day 4 should be at least 16 cell.  They also had a fair bit of fragmentation.  It was over before it technically even began.

It hit me hard that I would not be PUPO with my last shot at a biological child.  I didn't even get a fighting chance.  I don't know what is next.  Maybe donor but C is exhausted from all the strain and stress that IVF brings that I'm not even sure he wants to continue.

I am beyond devastated.  I'm lost.