It's over...

And just like that it's all taken away from us!  The third beta dropped to 160 something so the bleeding is definitely a miscarriage.  I'm devasted!  I hate that just in the space of a week I went from being extremely happy, shocked, thankful, blessed and then fear and then relief and hope and then envisaging a nursery and never having to do IVF or any medical intervention again to the worst pain EVER!! I know I will pick myself up soon but right now I just can't see ahead at all.  In the blink of an eye our happiness just got taken away from us.  That what infertility looks like.

Out of difficulties grow miracles!

If I didn't believe in miracles before I certainly do now...

Thursday 13th November I went into my clinic for my routine check up scan and blood tests before starting injections on the weekend for IVF number 3 take 3.  Mum came for a drive with me and I had an acupuncture appointment straight after.  Driving back home and my phone rang and it was my clinic, I let it go to voicemail and I said to mum that the blood results must be in already and there must be a problem with me to be able to start (they never call unless there is an issue).  I then joked "unless I'm pregnant!"  Mum automatically said I should pull over and call back.  My nurse came on the phone and she said "are you sitting down" and my heart was racing!  She then said "you're pregnant" and I just cried straight away saying "are you freaking kidding me?"  I couldn't believe it, I was shaking and trying to get my head around this news!  I just can't believe that a cancelled cycle and a trigger shot to release the two eggs that were growing resulted in us conceiving naturally!  The HCG level was 161!  I rang C straight away and he was happy but in complete shock.  

I took a test the next morning and saw for myself the words "pregnant" come up on the test!  I took another test Sunday morning as I wanted a keepsake and the digital doesn't last.  The line appeared as soon as the fluid started flowing across the window and it was so very dark!  By that afternoon though I started bleeding and I was petrified, I went to the clinic the next morning for another blood test and the level had increased to 596, doubled perfectly!! Such a relief.  The bleeding has slowed a little today (Tuesday) and I go back tomorrow for another blood test! Please Lord continue to watch over this baby and allow him/her to keep growing big and strong! 🙏

You have got to be kidding me...

After our first attempt at IVF number 3 was cancelled we proceeded to push on with another attempt.  I tried a new FSH injection, Menopur, had my day 6 check up and there was only two okay sized follicles.  Wtf?! Are you kidding me?  Dr said it doesn't look good and that we will continue and check again on day 8.  Day 8 came and still not much better so take 2 has been cancelled.  I'm just so upset and angry and it's really hard to stay hopeful.  Now the thought process carries on, is my body at the end of its road?  Should we take a short break? Or do we jump straight back in?  What makes it so hard is with the PGD it has to be scheduled in on a certain day, pick up has to occur on the day we book and my body has to be ready to start injections on a certain day!  Too much demand and stress.  We have decided to try again and will book pick up for 28th November.  I just hope and pray my body decides to respond this time around.  I'm not ready to give up on the idea of having my "own" child 🙏

Change of plans

IVF number 3 is no longer a go.  The scan at day 10 showed only one decent sized follicle so it got changed to an IUI instead.  I took a trigger shot that night and we had the procedure two days later.  Unfortunately, I only got to 11 days past and got my period.  We were both devastated as we were feeling very hopeful.

So IVF number 3 is back under way take two!  I started the BCP two days ago and will start injections in just over two weeks.  I'm anxious but I need to stay calm and leave it with God.

IVF number 3 is a go...

So I have survived my three months of torture, oh I mean hormone treatment.  The last six weeks of it I hardly slept because of night sweats and insomnia.  I keep telling myself it will be worth it.  

I am now day 5 of stims and going well.  I was so nervous about doing the needles again and I still get anxious before each one.  I'm starting to bloat and feeling a few twinges in my ovaries.  I have my first scan in two days so hopefully there is good growth.  

I know I'm doing everything I possibly can but I'm terrified still.  I'm scared that on transfer day we will have no viable embryos ready after PGD.  It's all new to us and I hate the uncertainty.

Hormones, hormones, hormones....

When will a break ever be a proper break.  Our first break a year ago ended up including two surgeries now this one was a break for a little bit but now I have already started hormone treatment three months out from our IVF round.  I am just over a month in and I am on the count down to September!  One of the hormones is to help with egg quality but it is a testosterone drug so my skin and hair is oilier, and I could get hairier! Great! The other hormone is triggering my body to shut down and go into menopause so I am having headaches, hot flushes, night sweats and major mood swings!  And last week I started bleeding and I shouldn't have on the drugs so had to go in for a check up.  Things just aren't meant to be simple.  I now have 50 days until my first scan and blood test ready for IVF round 3!  Woo bring it on!!

Baby's first bear

I find this part of the journey really hard to try and explain to others around me.  I want a baby of our own so badly, it's the only thing I think about.  For the last 18 months of TTC through IVF I seemed to have put my life on hold. The scenarios would begin, "if I get pregnant this round..." but it was so hard not to do.  I need to know I am doing everything right, right with the medications, supplements etc.  I'm exercising, I'm eating right.  But then I realised I wasn't doing much for my mind and my thinking.  I sourced some good meditations from my TTC sisters and my personal trainer who also teaches meditation.  I started putting aside half an hour each night before bed and I feel great!  There are some days I miss and if I do I go to sleep with relaxation music going instead.  I really feel this is going to be beneficial to me going into this round as it is going to be so hard after so many failures to think positively.

I also am one who needs visualisation things too.  I had already done a wish board and it was in my bedroom next to the bed, I had all my little "lucky" trinkets next to it and now I have added "Peanut."  While visiting J we were shopping for little gifts for some of our IVF sisters that we met on instagram, when we stumbled across a "build a bear" shop and went straight in and both had the thought straight away to make our future babies a bear which would also help us along the way.   It's all these little things that are going to help me think positively about this round. 

My support network

It's been hard talking to people about my infertility and the IVF.  As much as I know they care about us they just can't begin to understand what it is we are feeling.  The emotions and stress that come with this journey is like no other I have ever felt before.  To try and explain how you are feeling is really difficult and close to impossible.  The only people that can truly understand are those that are going through the same thing or have done so.  That's why I think creating a "TTC" account on Instagram has been the most helpful thing I could have done.  I have been on there now for 12 weeks and the friendships I have made with some very beautiful women has made it so much easier for me to deal with these emotions.  You don't need to explain yourself, these women understand straight away and the support and comfort you get from that is surprisingly amazing!!  About 5 weeks ago I actually met up with three of them and it was the best day, we talked like we had known each other for years. It was a very liberating feeling to know I am not alone in this and that I am strong enough to get through this.  One of them was pregnant from IVF so that was very reassuring that this can work.  But in particular there is one woman J that has been so amazing.  We started talking just over private message on Facebook at Christmas time last year and it was great to be able to confide in her and click straight away and feel so comfortable.  We live in the same state but not close enough to see each other all the time.  We have only met up that once.  I then received this surprise package one day and it was from her, all these really thoughtful little items.  We have been texting ever since and I have sent her a package too.  She is there for me in the good and the bad and it is so great to have a friend that is going through this and knows exactly what emotions I am feeling.  I don't think I would be coping as well as what I am if I didn't start this account and have the support and distraction that it provides.

Waiting, waiting...

It's been four months since our last failed cycle and it's been real tough.  I think because since August 2012, we have either been doing tests, doing cycles or I have been having surgery.  We had always been doing something towards getting our baby and yet I am still sitting here, just still as me, not Mum, not pregnant, just lonely old me!  Yes I have C, and family, friends and the cats but they are never going to be able to fill the hole that is within me if I never get a baby.  I still have 37 days until I start Synarel and then it's another 3 months after that that I will start my next cycle.  So that's eight months in total that I have had to wait, doing nothing towards getting our baby and I'm scared, I'm really scared.  I'm scared that we won't get a good number of eggs, I am scared that out of those that do fertilised, we won't get any viable embryos to transfer after the PGD testing.  I never envisaged any of this for my life.  I don't know if all this is killing me or making me stronger.

Yes more tests...

So the test results were ok.  DH of course was great again.  Me on the other hand got given yet another setback.  My auto immune antibodies came back slightly elevated which could mean that my body attacks the embryo as if it's a foreign body and therefore either never gets a chance to implant or implants and then gets "kicked out."  So the plan is to put me on Synarel nose spray starting on CD21 in June and I will stay on this until my IVF cycle starts in September.  I will start stims and after collection I will go on a low dose of Prednisone and aspirin to ensure my body doesn't reject the embryo.  We will also do PGD testing this time so we know we are only using viable embryos not just ones that "look good" under the microscope.  I am so petrified that none of them will be viable.  I don't know how I will cope with that and know that my journey of having my own biological children is over.  Hopefully I won't have to deal with that.

So I have 49 days until I start the nose spray which means I am closer to my cycle and to my baby.  I think I have done pretty well to have waited this long already.

Sick of what ifs...

I'm angry.  I'm bitter.  I'm jealous. I'm consumed with this journey.  I hate the me that I have become.  Every thought is "what if."  What if the first FS tested properly?  What if my ex husband hadn't cheated on me?  What if the dr had told me to retest after being treated for chylamaidia?  I can't fix any of this so why do I hang onto it?  My New Years resolution was to only look forward, and how am I going with that?

Some days I wonder if I confronted my ex husband I might feel better but it won't give me back my fertility and years wasted on a cheating bastard.  I thought I saw him the other day.  I was at work sitting at my desk and a courier came to the door from the same company my ex worked for and the guy looked exactly like him.  I pressed the button to unlock the door and I thought I was going to vomit.  My mind raced, how can I get away.  Fortunatley for me it wasn't him.  I must have looked like a shaking mess.  I waited until he left and then went into my bosses office and slumped into an arm chair.  I told her what happened and told her I just needed a minute.  I must have looked like an idiot.  How can I let this guy that isn't even in my life anymore affect it so much?  

It's destroying me.  What if he hadn't cheated?  What if I hadn't contracted chylamaidia?  Would I still have endometriosis?  Was it the cause of my infertility?  But then the question comes...would I still be with him?  This one makes me torn because sure there were other problems in our relationship and we may never have made it anyway but would I be infertile?  Would I be a mum?  But the biggest one of all what if I had never met C.  And that's where it stops, I don't want to think of that one so all the other questions stop and get shoved aside.  

Yes I am infertile.  Yes this is tearing me apart.  But God has my best interests in mind and will bring me my baby just like he brought me C.  

Next plan of attack

This past year and a half has been hopefully the toughest thing I have had to do in my life.  There has been heartache, tears, anger, hope, fear, anxiety, fights, and about $25000 later still no success.  I am talking about infertility.  I would not wish this upon my worst enemy.  The dream was since i can remember to get married and have children and be finished this progression in life by 27.  Hmm yeah well that dream got screwed over, I am now 31, onto my second marriage and still no children. 

Here is a brief timeline to get you up to speed, I am sure there will be more posts on this topic!

• March 2006 - married husband no 1
• Started trying for a baby straight away
• December 2006 - got a positive HPT confirmed by dr just after Xmas 
• Jan 2007 - miscarried at 6 weeks
• Decided to try again
• Jan 2008 (I think) - went to see a FS was put on Clomid for 6 months after checking that my tubes weren't blocked
• Nothing, nothing, nothing
• July 2008 (possibly) - found out that my ex husband had chlymadia because he had done the dirty on me - twice!!  Got treated also just in case.
• December 2008 - we separated
• July 2009 - met husband no 2 (my love)
• Went off the pill a few months before we got married knowing that we wanted to get pregnant
• Married April 2011
• A lot of bad things happened after this, many more posts will explain this.
• July 2012 - no luck getting pregnant so decide to see a specialist
• August2012 - after many tests found out that I still had chlymadia (apparently the medication to treat it only works for 20% of cases and you have to retest after 6 weeks to check, didn't get told that by the dr I went to) so we both had to be treated and then wait 6 weeks to be retested to make sure it had gone (it had this time by the way).  My AMH was 1.1 and our only option given all that information was IVF and as soon as possible as we didn't know how long I had until I stopped producing eggs.  DH was perfect, his sperm count was more than ok.
• October 2012 - IVF #1 - 10 eggs, 6 fertilised, one fresh transferred - BFN
• November 2012 - FET #1 tried to do a natural but by 22 I still hadn't ovulated so we canceled
• January 2013 - FET #1 (take 2) medicated this time BFP but HCG was 29 which then dropped a few days later so was a chemical
• March 2013 - FET #2 medicated BFN 
• No more embryos left so out of 6 embryos only three survived for transfer.
• Took a break to save for another cycle 
• April 2013 - not sure how it came about but I decide to ring my FS and discuss pains I get sometimes and could it be endometriosis.  He said that he couldn't say for sure but we could check
• May 2013 - laparoscopy done, found severe endometriosis and a lot of damage most probably from the chylamaidia that I had for so many years.
• June 2013 - laparoscopy done to remove endo and my left tube due to so much damage.  Everything went well
• September 2013 - IVF #2 - 8 eggs, 7 fertilised, I fresh transfer BFN
• October 2013 - FET #3 medicated, 2 transferred BFN
• December 2013- FET#4 medicated I transferred BFN
• So out of 7 embryos only 4 survived for a transfer.
• No embryos left...what now!!!

Oh my gosh, all that history is so raw still and hurts to even write it and re live it.  We went to our specialist yesterday to reassess.  Was quite a long appointment because he went back through everything like I just did.  He believes that everything goes so well, I respond well to the drugs, get a good number of embryos considering my AMH level, they fertilise well, it's just the implanting.  So I am having some more blood tests for  blood clotting, immune disorders and chromosomal things whichhe believes will come back negative and C will do a semen analysis looking into the chromosomal stuff with his sperm.  He said he thinks the genetic testing on the eggs will be beneficial if we want to do it but he said we are patients that he wouldn't have put at the top of the list of needing to do it.  I want to do it (even though it is $3500 out of pocket no rebate eek) I believe that at least then we know we have looked into everything and if for some reason they all come back as duds I can be at peace with the fact that I did everything to try and have my "own" baby.

So the plan is to wait to get these results back and then save, save, save.  Hopefully do a cycle in August or September.

Where to begin...

My first post and I am a little nervous even though I have it set to private to start with.  

Firstly, I suppose a little bit about me.  I love the outdoors, going for walks, holidays by the beach, cooking.  I love a good rom-com to keep the dreams going.  I met the love of my life in July 2009 and we hit it off straight away, 4 dates in one week!  We moved in together in January 2010 (I think) and got engaged May 2010.  We then married in April 2011.  

I used to love scrapbooking very much, used to spend most weekends doing it.  But after a few tough years I don't seem to have the motivation or zest to document my life in a creative way anymore.  I thought I would try blogging as at least this way it doesn't have to be all good, there will be some hurt there too.