Update needed

It's been awhile since my last post.  We have been on our holiday and had a great time!!  My period came on time and we started our FET.  I was feeling nice and calm and I love that feeling while doing a cycle.  My day 11 scan came and my lining was a perfect 10mm triple stripe!! We booked transfer in for that Friday.  Still feeling nice and relaxed and transfer couldn't have gone any better!  We had four frozen embryos and the first one they thawed survived perfectly and was a hatching blastocyst.  

Now to go through the dreaded two week wait which I totally lost my mind in the first two days!  I couldn't handle it any longer I've never been a tester at home but this time I just needed to know! 

To be continued...

I'm ready...

Ok let's do this!! I'm ready to do the next step in this egg donor cycle!

I saw my FS today for what I called my "peace of mind chat."  And it served it's purpose!  He is super happy how the cycle went and is delighted we are ready to do an FET after we get back from our holiday.

So our plan is to do a medicated FET and I will also be on aspirin and prednisone which I'm happy about.  

So in 11 days we leave for our overseas holiday for 2 weeks and then I will be ready to go!! Bring it on!

Leap of faith

Being negative doesn't get you anywhere! I'm that person who replies "but it's too hard not to stress" my husband says to me this morning "if someone told you that stressing over this transfer will not allow it to work and kill your embryo would you stop stressing or say it's too hard". I knew he was right but my first instinct was to get my back up and say to him "how do I not stress"  instead I asked him "how do you not stress" as he his always so calm and he said "because we have been given a great opportunity for this to actually work, the other times we weren't doing anything different and still getting the same negative result, this donor egg cycle is a game changer" 

That conversation has turned the light on in my head!  It's that simple, how I act or react is affecting my chances so I choose hope and faith again!! 

Up and down...

I'm in limbo, I don't know how I feel.  One moment, I'm excited and hopeful but then my past cycles come to the forefront of my mind and just takes over.  People would say to me "I don't know how you keep doing, you are so strong." My response was always because I believe my baby is coming and I could visualise us as parents.  Now as time goes on I'm struggling to visualise that anymore and this cycle I actually feel like I have been given my last chance.  It's not a great feeling.

Infertility and IVF has changed me forever I reckon.  There is no going back.  I'd love to go back a few years, even one year would be enough and then I would still have my passion and drive that this will work for us.  But that's just not the case.  

My sister had a scare last week that IVF may have had to be her path as well but thankfully her dye test showed that her tubes aren't still blocked which is such a blessing!  I felt so much dread for her, I didn't want her to have to endure this crap too.  I was also afraid that I wouldn't have been a positive help for her through it.  I would be informative but I wouldn't have been able to be a positive role model for her and that upsets me that this is where I am in my life.  

Such a beautiful gift!

We did it, we made it through our first (and hopefully only) donor egg cycle.  We are so truly blessed and grateful to my cousin for providing us with such an amazing chance to be parents.  I'm more excited now of that prospect.  I'm feeling a little apprehensive as to if it will work, which is only natural.  After all the failed cycles, miscarriages and heartache, it's hard to believe that this could actually happen for us.  The success rates are so much bigger than it has ever been before so I just need to believe it will work!

We have 4 beautiful blastocyst babies in the freezer waiting for us!!  So amazing!! 

We have a trip overseas planned and then it is transfer time!  I'll be nice and relaxed ready to go.  I've been eating clean and working out the last 9 weeks so I feel great and I'm losing some of that built up IVF weight.  Everything is pointing in a positive direction!! 

Donor process

Suggesting donor eggs was a lot to process.  I went through so many stages.  I was angry that my body can't do what is intented of it as a woman, I grieved for the loss of my genetics being passed on, I worried that this still may not get our baby, and yet unfortunately only a slight hint of excitement shone through.  How sad is that!  Infertility sure has screwed me up!

Our dr was amazing with our decision and the process.  He was so thrilled when I told him that my cousin had offered to donate.  I didn't even have to ask.  That's the beautiful thing about family they really do want the best for you.

This cycle has been by far the most stressful one.  So much coordinating of appointments, consultations, financial considerations (as it costs so much more than regular IVF).  All along I'm making sure my cousin is comfortable and ok with everything which is fine but I forgot to acknowledge how I was coping, which I wasn't.  I wanted this to me doing the injections (as silly as that sounds), I wanted to be in control.  I felt like a "newbie" again as I didn't know what to expect, how she was going to respond, how I was going to feel.  

As retrieval got closer I got worse, I tried very hard to hide it but not sure how well I did.  Once we had the confirmed day and time for retrieval that's when it really hit me that I had no part to play on this day, she would have retrieval and C would do his contribution but me..nothing.  It really hit that this is real, these potential babies will not have my genes (sure she is my cousin so they will to some degree but it wasn't the same).  

I'm nervous about Monday, I'm anxious to see what results we get but most of all I wish I could feel hopeful and excited.  Everyone says "this is it" but after saying "this is it" to so many new things we have tried in the past excuse me while I have a hard time believing it.

IVF collection #6

Our last collection cycle with my eggs started like any other cycle. The stocking of the fridge, the protocol displayed ready to tick off each individual injection.  Five a day to be exact.

Emotions were higher than normal for me.  Each shot was getting harder to bear with each passing day.  My first scan day arrived and I was feeling ok about it.  Eight follicles, that's amazing for me to produce.  They weren't quite big enough yet so I went back two days later.  Still eight at scan number two and they were all ready to go.  I was feeling so great about this follicle count but that joy faded very fast.  Collection results are in and we got 3 eggs.  I couldn't believe it, truly is this what it's going to come down to.  My last cycle with my own eggs and my body is really tell me that's it done!

Next day got the call with fertilisation rates and that wasn't the best either.  Two weren't mature enough for ICSI so were put in a dish normally but one fertilised abnormally so they just had to wait and see what it did next.  The one that was injected fertilised normally.  So it was safe to say we only had one embryo.  

No news is good news in relation to how they are going so when Friday came (day 4) and I hadn't heard from the clinic with a transfer time I started to panic.  And I had every right to.  One embryo was at 3 cell and one was at 6 cell which at day 4 should be at least 16 cell.  They also had a fair bit of fragmentation.  It was over before it technically even began.

It hit me hard that I would not be PUPO with my last shot at a biological child.  I didn't even get a fighting chance.  I don't know what is next.  Maybe donor but C is exhausted from all the strain and stress that IVF brings that I'm not even sure he wants to continue.

I am beyond devastated.  I'm lost.

Next steps...

I love the fact that our new clinic sets up a follow up appointment for you within a day or two of your beta.  This allows you to discuss the cycle and move on quickly to a new cycle if you need to or discuss what's next if you are lucky enough to be pregnant.

Well this appointment was neither.  I wasn't pregnant and we wouldn't be starting another cycle straight away.  

Unfortunately, the discussion ending up on the topic of donor eggs.  Who we could ask?   Factors to consider?  I'm not sure what my poor mind was going through, was it a dream?  Was this my reality now?

However, his recommendation is to try one more time (collection number 6) with my own eggs to see how that goes.  To be honest, the odds are against us and I know I have to draw the line somewhere but the thought of my child not being "mine" terrifies me and I feel physically ill. I always dreamed of my children looking like me and being able to look at them and see similarities from my family line.

I know I will still hold just as much love for a baby born through donor eggs but my mind just isn't ready for it yet.

We decided to take a break, try and refresh my poor stressed body and C goes away for 2 weeks in October so we will go again in November.

As I've said before the hope is fading and I can't see this last attempt feeling any different.

IVF #5 (transfer 9)

So here we go again.  The bottom shelf of the fridge is stocked up with all the injections, there's yet another sharps container on the kitchen bench and yet another plan up on the fridge with dates and doses!  I don't get the same excitement I used to get on these days before the first injection starts.  After so much failure and heartache the hope of having our own success is definitely fading away.  

The routine started and then my health took a turn for the worst.  I got diagnosed with Bells Palsy, it was terrifying.  My mouth was drooped, my right eye wouldn't blink and my whole right side of my face was paralysed.  This happened on day 2 of injections.  I was able to continue with my cycle and I think if I wasn't doing the cycle I would be having a major pity party for myself.  Giving myself the injections proved to be difficult as I had to cover my eye for protection and my spacial perspective was a bit off.  I had two weeks off work and didn't go back until after transfer.  

Our monitoring scans went ok, not as ready as early as last time and we had five follicles.  Five eggs were collected which isn't great but better than none.  Three of them fertilised and then on day 4 I asked the lab for an update.  I was then wishing I hadn't.  There was only one that was looking like it was going to be suitable.  The other two were only at day 3 cell wise.  I was so anxious and nervous leading up to the next day.  Transfer was booked for 1.30pm and I was terrified my phone was going to ring with bad news about our embryos.  Thankfully we made it to the clinic with no phone calls.  But the news that came next was not what we expected.  The embryo they thought was going to be ok to transfer degenerated but thankfully one of the ones that were at the day 3 stage had continued to grow to morula stage.  The embryologist was happy with this but in the pit of my stomach I felt unsettled by it.

The wait began and as always I did really well at the start and then from about 6 days past I started to symptom spot and of course convinced myself it had worked and tested the day before beta, huge mistake, at 10dp5dt there was not even a squint of a second line!  Beta confirmed it the next day and it's just a kick in the guts!  I'm devastated and heartbroken yet again.

And then some more hope just disappears...

More disappointment

So we began our FET cycle without any problems and as always come day 10 my lining was a perfect 9.8mm.  Transfer was booked for the Wednesday after and I was really nervous.  We had never only had one frostie left, always at least two and one normally doesn't make it.  That made me so worried that if this one doesn't make it then there were none to fall back on.  Well my nightmare came true.  I was at work until 1pm and transfer was scheduled for 3pm.  There were no missed calls so I felt relieved, 15 minutes later my phone rang and my heart sunk.  Sure enough it was the lab ringing to tell me our only embryo didn't survive.  I didn't cope very well with this news.  I still went to my appointment but instead of having a transfer I was having a "what's next" talk with my dr.  He sent me for some bloods even though I have had them done before.  He was just as upset as I was.  There were some colourful words from him and tears from me.  I just couldn't believe this was happening.  I asked him if I needed to start considering donor eggs and his reply was "I will be very forth coming if that needed to be the case and I can say that I cannot see that on the horizon" this was a relief as I am not ready to have to consider that.  So after a hug from my dr I was on my way with the plan to start our fifth fresh collection cycle once my period arrives.  I can't believe I am doing the whole injection protocol for the fifth time (well technically the seventh as two got cancelled).

IVF #4 update

So retrieval went better than we thought, we got 8 eggs!!  Got the call the next day and 4 had fertilised as some weren't mature enough which was to be expected considering the scan only showed 5 follicles.  Transfer day came and I felt really good!  We had two really good embryos and one that could possibly make it to freeze.  We transferred one and froze the other.  It was so amazing to get to actually see the little white dot float into my lining.

The next day they called to say the other one didn't make it to freeze.  That was a bit of a bummer.

This transfer just felt different I wasn't anxious at all and it just sailed past.

Beta day came and the results were positive but very low, hcg was 9.  I knew it could go either way but I wasn't holding onto hope!

Beta number two came, three days later and I had already started to bleed so knew the outcome.  Sure enough the level had dropped to 5, we were miscarrying.  I had my follow up appointment on the same day so we are starting an FET cycle in two days time to use our one and only frostie.

I just really want and need this one to work and stay with us!  Please please please!!

New, new, new

So it's always the way, if you are waiting for something it will take longer to come!!  That is what has happened to me.  My period is sometimes one or two days give or take but this time it was 9 days late, couldn't believe it! "Are you kidding me" were my thoughts!

So we were finally able to get IVF #4 under way.

New clinic, new dr so why not new protocol!  I was on Elonva, gonal f 600iu, saizen (growth hormone), luveris and orgalutran.  Needless to say my poor belly started getting very tender with all of these shots.  But considering I'm a pro at fresh cycles it didn't bother me.

Had my first scan today at day 11 and I have five follicles all between 18-23mm.  I will be honest it's not the greatest results and I was disappointed.  Retrieval is booked for Wednesday morning at 10.30am.

Now I just need to pray hard that there is an egg in each follicle!

Changes

After much discussion, research and several pros and cons lists, I set up an appointment with a new clinic with a Dr with a really good reputation.  This was a big deal and really scary as we really like our current clinic and dr but we wonder if a new set of eyes and also this new clinic is cheaper which makes it easier for us to do more cycles if we need to.

I was so nervous, I went to the appointment by myself and was so overwhelmed.  He was so confident that he can get us pregnant and he gave me two options, do surgery first to check my endometrosis or do one or two transfers and if I'm not pregnant then we will do the surgery.  And to make this even better is that he wanted to do the surgery at no gap, this was a big deal. As scared as I was to do the surgery again, I'm also more scared that my endometrosis had come back.  We decided to go ahead with the surgery which was two days ago now and I'm so glad we did.  He found a lot of adhesions on the left hand side from where they took my tube last time and on my bowel, he removed endometriosis from the top of my vagina and my right tube was not open.  I have my post op appointment next Wednesday and I will find out more about my right tube.  I really hope he was able to open it.  But really at the end of the day we know we have to do more IVF so I'm ready to jump straight into it.  I'm feeling excited and hopeful that our baby is coming.

Just a catch up

So it's been awhile since my last post.  We have been to hell and back that's for sure.  After the miscarriage we took a break obviously due to the nature of it all and then did an IUI in January.  My ovaries did really well, I started on 125iu of Puregon and then half way through increased it to 150iu.  I had three really good follicles growing and then my next scan showed two more which were smaller so to avoid a cancelled cycle we triggered and went ahead with the three good ones.  Unfortunately it was a BFN.  

During these scans though our dr noticed an unusual thickening on one part of my lining.  We decided to look into this further just in case it was a polyp and we did a hysteroscopy.  Everything went well and there was nothing there to remove.

We decided not to bother with anymore IUI's and go straight back into IVF.  The baseline scan went well, I had 9 antral follicles which is more than normal.  We started injections and progress scans were going well.  We ended up with 9 follicles before trigger which was great considering all those cancelled cycles last year.  We got 6 eggs at retrieval which I wasn't really happy with.  5 were mature and 4 fertilised.  I was not feeling great about this.  3 made it to day 3 and we decided to go ahead with PGD.  Out of the three only one tested normal.  I was shattered, I felt so much pressure on me at that time for this to work.  I almost didn't want to do the transfer.  

Two week wait began and as always the first week goes ok and then the second I just can't stop thinking about every twinge and feeling.  I was convinced it had worked as I felt nauseated and exhausted. 

Well that was all in my head as it ended in a BFN.

We were devastated, this was meant to work, it was a viable embryo, I was on Clexane and prednisone so in my head this was it!

This was the hardest failed cycle I had to get through.  I thought I was strong but the emptiness I felt was unbelievable.

It's over...

And just like that it's all taken away from us!  The third beta dropped to 160 something so the bleeding is definitely a miscarriage.  I'm devasted!  I hate that just in the space of a week I went from being extremely happy, shocked, thankful, blessed and then fear and then relief and hope and then envisaging a nursery and never having to do IVF or any medical intervention again to the worst pain EVER!! I know I will pick myself up soon but right now I just can't see ahead at all.  In the blink of an eye our happiness just got taken away from us.  That what infertility looks like.

Out of difficulties grow miracles!

If I didn't believe in miracles before I certainly do now...

Thursday 13th November I went into my clinic for my routine check up scan and blood tests before starting injections on the weekend for IVF number 3 take 3.  Mum came for a drive with me and I had an acupuncture appointment straight after.  Driving back home and my phone rang and it was my clinic, I let it go to voicemail and I said to mum that the blood results must be in already and there must be a problem with me to be able to start (they never call unless there is an issue).  I then joked "unless I'm pregnant!"  Mum automatically said I should pull over and call back.  My nurse came on the phone and she said "are you sitting down" and my heart was racing!  She then said "you're pregnant" and I just cried straight away saying "are you freaking kidding me?"  I couldn't believe it, I was shaking and trying to get my head around this news!  I just can't believe that a cancelled cycle and a trigger shot to release the two eggs that were growing resulted in us conceiving naturally!  The HCG level was 161!  I rang C straight away and he was happy but in complete shock.  

I took a test the next morning and saw for myself the words "pregnant" come up on the test!  I took another test Sunday morning as I wanted a keepsake and the digital doesn't last.  The line appeared as soon as the fluid started flowing across the window and it was so very dark!  By that afternoon though I started bleeding and I was petrified, I went to the clinic the next morning for another blood test and the level had increased to 596, doubled perfectly!! Such a relief.  The bleeding has slowed a little today (Tuesday) and I go back tomorrow for another blood test! Please Lord continue to watch over this baby and allow him/her to keep growing big and strong! 🙏

You have got to be kidding me...

After our first attempt at IVF number 3 was cancelled we proceeded to push on with another attempt.  I tried a new FSH injection, Menopur, had my day 6 check up and there was only two okay sized follicles.  Wtf?! Are you kidding me?  Dr said it doesn't look good and that we will continue and check again on day 8.  Day 8 came and still not much better so take 2 has been cancelled.  I'm just so upset and angry and it's really hard to stay hopeful.  Now the thought process carries on, is my body at the end of its road?  Should we take a short break? Or do we jump straight back in?  What makes it so hard is with the PGD it has to be scheduled in on a certain day, pick up has to occur on the day we book and my body has to be ready to start injections on a certain day!  Too much demand and stress.  We have decided to try again and will book pick up for 28th November.  I just hope and pray my body decides to respond this time around.  I'm not ready to give up on the idea of having my "own" child 🙏

Change of plans

IVF number 3 is no longer a go.  The scan at day 10 showed only one decent sized follicle so it got changed to an IUI instead.  I took a trigger shot that night and we had the procedure two days later.  Unfortunately, I only got to 11 days past and got my period.  We were both devastated as we were feeling very hopeful.

So IVF number 3 is back under way take two!  I started the BCP two days ago and will start injections in just over two weeks.  I'm anxious but I need to stay calm and leave it with God.

IVF number 3 is a go...

So I have survived my three months of torture, oh I mean hormone treatment.  The last six weeks of it I hardly slept because of night sweats and insomnia.  I keep telling myself it will be worth it.  

I am now day 5 of stims and going well.  I was so nervous about doing the needles again and I still get anxious before each one.  I'm starting to bloat and feeling a few twinges in my ovaries.  I have my first scan in two days so hopefully there is good growth.  

I know I'm doing everything I possibly can but I'm terrified still.  I'm scared that on transfer day we will have no viable embryos ready after PGD.  It's all new to us and I hate the uncertainty.

Hormones, hormones, hormones....

When will a break ever be a proper break.  Our first break a year ago ended up including two surgeries now this one was a break for a little bit but now I have already started hormone treatment three months out from our IVF round.  I am just over a month in and I am on the count down to September!  One of the hormones is to help with egg quality but it is a testosterone drug so my skin and hair is oilier, and I could get hairier! Great! The other hormone is triggering my body to shut down and go into menopause so I am having headaches, hot flushes, night sweats and major mood swings!  And last week I started bleeding and I shouldn't have on the drugs so had to go in for a check up.  Things just aren't meant to be simple.  I now have 50 days until my first scan and blood test ready for IVF round 3!  Woo bring it on!!